Through my experience of breaking up, I've realized that there are a few things that you just simply shouldn't say to someone who has just broken up. These are a few of those things:
1.) "Just forget about him/her"Seriously, that's impossible. If anything, you remember more, and it sucks. We just want you to know that "forgetting someone" isn't as simple as it sounds. Maybe you should try it sometime and see for yourself. So far this is the worst thing I've been told to do. Please stop saying it.
2.) "I'm always here if you need to talk" when you're notWhether you're a person who doesn't fully understand the situation, or doesn't really care, suggesting someone talk to you when you're only trying to be nice isn't nice at all in the long-run. So far I've seen it go two ways. Either you're too busy to actually listen to your friend and give them the care and comfort they need at this time, or you think your own problems are more important.
To the first one, either make time for your friend or say you're sorry and that you're not the person to talk to at this time. Move on without offering up your shoulder to cry on. I'm sure they'll understand and find someone else.
To the second one, guess what? People who have just broken up don't want to hear your problems! They have enough of their own right now. If your way of comforting a friend in pain is to hear their problem and then respond with how you "understand" and mention something that you think is about 10x worse going on in your own life, you really just shouldn't be talking to this person at all. Go find someone else to talk to! People who have broken up want to talk about their own situation. When they're done then they probably will have plenty of time to listen to your problems, because you were so generous to listen to them. You have to remember that friendships are give and take. You shouldn't be making your friend feel worse at the moment by making his or her problems seem like they aren't as important as yours. Get over yourself!
3.) "I'm sorry" or "Boys suck"I don't think you can even imagine how many times I've heard this over the past month. I get it, you don't know what to say. That's alright, but you could at least try and say something... different. Honestly, I've been guilty of it too. It's hard to know what to say sometimes. You blank out, your heart's not in the conversation, etc. But this here just makes you look like a lazy friend. It's almost as bad as "forget about him" but only because it means you don't know what to say and insinuates that you want your friend to shut up because they're making you uncomfortable. (That's how I feel anyway.)
4.) "There are plenty more fish in the sea" or "you'll find someone else!"Well I don't know about other girls, but I was pretty excited to start dating/flirting again, yet in the back of my head I still felt connected to my ex. It made me really sad whenever anyone said this to me too. When you break up, unless you hated your ex, you really don't want to think about anyone else. Unless they did something horrible other than just breaking your heart, you still love that jerk and can't even imagine thinking of anyone else taking their place.
So, you really shouldn't say this in first few months following a breakup. Unless the person is talking about meeting someone else, don't even think about bringing it up. More than likely it will remind that person of how much they loved their ex and all the good that was in the relationship. "Rosy retrospection" if you will. So really, you're doing them a horrible disservice by saying this to them so soon after a breakup. They're just going to keep thinking about the person who still holds their heart. And they will fight you tooth and nail trying to make you understand why.
5.) "I think you need to...." AKA any advice not asked for or warrantedIt seems like any time someone breaks up, suddenly everyone is an expert on your relationship.
STOP IT! You don't know anything.
The only people who can truly understand the relationship were the two who were in it. (And even then, they might still never know what's going on all the time.) But seriously, they're the only two who come close.
When Alex and I first broke up, or started talking about it, I got to a point where I was really pumped about finding myself again and getting back on my feet. So at first when people would tell me that I should "focus on yourself" I was open to it and hearing it made me feel good. However, after a while it seemed to get repetitive and annoying. Finding yourself and doing what makes you happy takes time, so barking orders at me to do things for myself is one of those things that just isn't going to happen overnight. Unless, you're some kind of breakup superstar, then all power to you! I'm not one of those people. Breaking up is a process that you deal with. You get by, you make do, and you Keep Moving Forward.
This little list was brought about by frustration in my own life, obviously. I'm not blaming any of my friends for saying the wrong thing when they didn't know it was wrong or didn't know what else to say. I understand that you mean well, but just wanted you to know that sometimes what you say I really am just sick of hearing or don't want to hear at all. I've been in your place before, and I know that it's a tough place to be in. I've made most of these mistakes myself, and I feel so sorry for ever saying some of these things to my friends because I know how much it hurts after a while. You never know what that other person wouldn't want to hear until you're actually in their situation. And even then, everyone is different. I guess it is sort of passive-aggressive that I wrote this instead of actually telling any of my friends who have said any of the above to me, so sorry about that. I didn't mean to insult you in any way, I guess I just wanted you to understand how it feels.
I really do want to thank all of my friends and family (especially my mom! Love you mom!) who have been supporting me through this tough time. But more often than not, you listening and helping me get through this has been a huge blessing and I want you all to know that I appreciate it. ♥
To all of those reading, give your friend a break! Try to be a little more understanding, and it will pay of for both of you.